


Codenames

by NotLostWanderer



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 22:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3225371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotLostWanderer/pseuds/NotLostWanderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Absolute crack, in which Sameen Shaw has the brightest idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Codenames

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tellany](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tellany/gifts).



This was a not very good day for one Sameen Shaw. She had got herself (mortifyingly so) in an incident involving her trying to outrun Bear (that won’t be ever mentioned to anyone - Bear promised never to tell a soul about it) that had landed her with a sprained ankle and bruised ego. As a result, Harold had benched her (the nerve!) and redirected all the tech stuff to her for the day. Perhaps he had forgotten that wounded pride and and Sameen Shaw never mixed well.

Reese’s snickering didn’t make her feel any better. Neither did his not-so-subtle hints about pink cast for her leg (it wasn’t broken, idiot!) or a wheelchair.

However, the last straw came from Root, who made rather soft barking noises on her way out, meaning the Machine had told her all about ‘running incident’. After the team left to deal with another number, Shaw was left alone, fuming and plotting her revenge.

So many options and so little time before the gang comes back...

On one hand, she could sprinkle bread crumbs on Finch’s keyboard. On the other hand that could result in a potential scolding from him and she just wasn't in the mood for an hour-long lecture about tidiness and oh-so-precious-don't-you-dare-breathe-at-them-wrongly computers.

She could hide Reese’s favourite gun or Root’s most treasured laptop - nah, too easy.

Shaw looked around and saw nothing important, except from computers. Computers…  
She quickly booted the system and glared at the screen. It was kind of a childish idea but nothing better came to her mind.

She cleared her throat and awkwardly addressed the webcam on top of the screen.

“Umm… Hi.” She waited a couple of seconds, nothing happened. “I swear, it’s creepy as hell trying to start a conversation with an AI. Urgh.” Shaw mentally face palmed. “Hey, the all-seeing stalker, I need to talk to you!”

The screen blinked and text document opened. Words started to appear.

_What can I do for you?_

“Now I have a sudden urge to recite ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall’-”

_Are you practicing your declamation skills?_

“Oh my god. I swear you have Harold’s sense of humor”

_I’m afraid I don’t have anyone’s sense of humor._

“Whatever. Nevermind.” Shaw looked thoughtfully at the wall. “I was just wondering… how do you address other members of the team? By names, maybe codenames?”

 _There is no need for me to use any names. Every member of the team knows when I’m addressing them._ Pause. _Because I’m talking right into their ear._

“Ok, there’s no need to be sassy right now.” It was really a bad day if even the Machine could ruffle her feathers. “I just want you to change your routine in addressing others. Just for today.”

_I don’t see how this could make my tasks more productive._

“Don’t question this right now. It’s only for today. Please.” Oh God, now she was begging. Not cool. Not cool at all. “Let’s just say that I’m conducting a… social experiment… yeah, that’s it!”

_I suppose I could help with that. But how am I supposed to select the proper greeting? And what results I should provide - forms, diagrams, stats?_

“Ohh.. That is something I could help you with.” Shaw’s smile turned positively wicked. “As for the results - just give me the footage of their faces. Heh... “ She settled more comfortably in her chair. “We’ll start with Harold. I think with him we’ll ditch the greeting. We’ll make a little addition to the end of your conversations with him. Just simple ‘And may the Force be with you’ will be perfect. But only at the end of you conversation.”

_I don’t see how a pop culture reference affects this experiment._

“Oh believe me... “ This was getting more entertaining by the second. “Now to Reese… It’s a tough one… I know! You need to start every conversation with ‘Hey, Bilbo!’. It’s just perfect!”

_This name greatly conflicts with Mr.Reese’s appearance._

“Thank you, cap.”

_I don’t have any official rank._

“Urgh… Why so literal?” Shaw banged her head on the table a little. “Again, nevermind and trust me that this name is perfect. Now, onto Root. That’s a no brainer here: ‘Miss Congeniality’, and please, use your most pompous british accent. With her latest cover as the model, and man I  was enjoying that one, this title is practically tattooed on her forehead.“

_Root doesn’t have any tattoos._

“How do you?.. No, I really don’t want to know…” She gleefully clapped her hands. “Anyway, we’re finished with alternative names. You just need to implement them… say… in a couple of hours.”

_That is acceptable._

“By the way. Where’s Root right now? She was supposed to bring me lunch.”

Small window opened on the screen that showed the surveillance video. It looked like Root was just around the corner, ordering her favourite sandwiches. How convenient.

“Ohhh... Could you please ask her for a bag of nachos?”

The Machine didn’t answer her. But she saw as Root paused, looked confused (for a moment) and made a WTF motion with her hands. Finally, she just shrugged her shoulders and went back to the stand.

“Thank you.” The perspective of eating significantly elevated her mood. “Back to experiment. I think we’ve covered all the bases. Now I’m waiting for the results.”

_But you’re forgetting about one more member of the team._

“Huh? Bear?” The Machine was talking to Bear? Another weirdo. “You kind of can do something. You know the new collar I… um… someone bought him recently? It has built in speaker. So you need to do this: when one of our own calls him - you turn on the Scooby Doo theme. And now I’m done.”

_That can be arranged, but I wasn’t talking about Bear. I was referencing to you._

“What?!” Shaw almost fell of the chair. “No! No no no…” She adamantly started shaking her head.

_I analyzed the most common ways of the team addressing you and aside from your actual name there are a couple of options. For example ‘Sweety’._

Her jaw almost hit the table. “What?!” This is ridiculous! “You won’t call me sweety!”

_Darling?_

“That was low even for you.” The universe was mocking her.

_Honey?_

“Oh, screw you!”

_I think you’re confusing me with my Analog interface._

“Ohhh, you did not just say -”

“Hey sweety!” Root’s stopped dead in her tracks when she caught the look on Shaw’s face. “Um… Sameen, why are you looking like you’re having a stroke?”

“Urgh… This… This THING!” Shaw was frantically pointing at the screen, which magically turned off when Root entered.

“Has Harold’s computer offended you somehow?” The situations was rather confusing.

Shaw glared at her. “Nooo… You just need to teach your precious machine to respect someone’s privacy.”

“Sameen. An all-seeing artificial intelligence and privacy can’t go in the same sentence.”  
Root looked at her like you’re looking at the 5-year old who asked ‘why the sky is blue’.

Shaw rolled her eyes. “Forget it.” She grabbed the back with the sandwiches from Root’s hands. “Let’s just eat and pretend that today never happened.”

Root just shrugged her shoulders and smile sweetly at other woman. “As you wish, sweety.”

The loud groan was Shaw’s only response.

**Author's Note:**

> Tellany, thank you for beta-ing this and kicking me to post it ;)


End file.
